“Sleepover” by Elya Filler

I stood on a chair in the center of the room. My arms wrapped around my body to both stay warm and conceal my bare figure. This was one of Jessica’s tests of loyalty and friendship, and I, like so many other times, was the sacrificial lamb. I stared down at the crowd of girls as they circled around me like a pride of lions moving in on their kill. With hungry mouths open wide, they twisted the caps off of their markers and longingly gazed at my naked body.

“Okay, everyone is only allowed to circle two areas. That’s it.” Jessica was our leader. We loved her and yet were terrified of her. We followed her every order, out of both fear and admiration. She was the only girl, in the sixth grade, gutsy enough to stand up to anyone, and we all worshipped her for it.

 “I get to go first, because Ally’s my best friend so I, of course, have her best interest in mind.” Jessica lifted the sharpie to my skin and began drawing a large circle around my buttocks. “You know that we’re doing you a favor right?” She more stated than asked. “This way you’ll know what to improve so that guys like you more.” She drew two more circles around both of my knees. How am I supposed to fix my knees?

“Hey, that’s three! You said we could only draw two.”

“Pipe down, Mandy!” Jessica snapped. Mandy rolled her eyes and looked away. “Besides, the knees count as one body part.”

“Wait, I’m confused. Do we get to circle two body parts or just two circles?” Marianne asked with a puzzled look on her face. Jessica ignored her.

“What? It was a legitimate question,” Marianne whispered to the rest of the group. Mandy nudged Marianne and whispered, “Just shut up, okay.” Marianne crossed her arms in front of her chest and sulked.

 “Okay,” Jessica said, taking a step back to admire her work. She turned to address the group. “I chose her butt; because it’s flat and everyone knows guys don’t like flat butts and her knees because they’re awkwardly knobby.”

With a large smile on her face, she signed her initials next to each circle and turned to face the group.

 “Who wants to go next?”

I closed my eyes as the other girls began drawing circles around the unattractive parts of my body. Inhaling deeply, I breathed in the scent of sharpie marker, a smell I had always loved.  

My mind drifted to another place. School started the next day, and I wondered what it was going to be like as a seventh grader. Sixth grade had been a rough year. I was lucky enough to have Jessica at my side. She kept the bullies at bay. Everyone was too afraid of her to mess with me, and I’d rather be one person’s punching bag than the entire school’s.

I wondered how I was going to explain the circles to my mom. If I told her the truth, she wouldn’t let me go to another sleepover at Jessica’s house, and I couldn’t afford to lose her as an ally. Without her, I’d probably lose the rest of my friends and then would truly be, alone.

“Ally, Ally! Are you even paying attention?” Jessica snapped bringing me painfully back to reality. “Yeah,” I said and got down from the chair and walked over to the mirror. Large black circles showed drastically against the pale canvas of my skin. They had drawn over my feet, calves, butt, stomach, breasts, and armpits.

 “I told you not to do anything on my face! What am I supposed to tell my mom?” I asked staring at the circle surrounding the mole on my cheek.

“You’re right, Ally.” Jessica said. I looked at her skeptically. She had never said those words to me before. “Whoever did this shouldn’t have done it. You have a right to be upset.”  I didn’t for one second buy her nice act. There had to be a catch. “Mandy, you drew that circle didn’t you?”

“Yeah,” Mandy said reluctantly. Jessica suddenly turned to face her. “That was a very mean thing of you to do. Ally asked us not to draw on her face and you purposely did it to hurt her.”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt her,” Mandy said. “I just forgot.”

“That’s not what friends do. Apologize, now,” Jessica demanded. Mandy turned to face me.  

“I’m sorry, Ally,” she said with regret in her eyes.

“It’s okay.” I replied.

Jessica turned to me and held out the sharpie in her hand.

“What am I supposed to do with that?” I stared down at it. Jessica nudged her head towards Mandy.

“An eye for an eye.”

“Wait just one second!” Mandy protested. “That’s not fair. I apologized!”

 “No, that’s okay. I really am fine. I’ll tell my mom we were playing a game or something.” Still not satisfied with my answer, Jessica shoved the pen into my hand. “No, Ally. Mandy disobeyed you, and now she has to be punished. What’s to stop her from doing it again? She needs to be taught a lesson!”Jessica took a step closer and stared straight into my eyes. She spoke slowly but confidently. “If you don’t do this, everyone will think you are weak. Are you weak, Ally? Do you want everyone to take advantage of you, like Mandy did, for the rest of your life?”

“No,” I replied timidly.

“Then, do it.” Her unyielding eyes stared deep into mine, and I was afraid.

 “Forget this. I’m going home!” Mandy said and began walking towards the door. Jessica quickly glanced over her shoulder and her.

“If you leave now, you can never sit with us again.”

Mandy stopped dead in her tracks. She turned back to face the rest of the group.

“Is that true, guys? You won’t sit with me at lunch.” She stared back at us, but everyone avoided her eyes. It wasn’t up to us to decide something like that, and we all knew it. Mandy shook her head back and forth, disappointed in us, but still too afraid to leave. Even she knew there was a far worse punishment awaiting her if she chose to leave.

 “Ally, what’s it going to be? If you don’t do this I will personally make a point to tell everyone at school just how weak of a person you are.”

I looked around at the rest of the group. I already knew what they were thinking. Do it. Do it you stupid, stupid girl. What are you even waiting for? It’s either her or you. I glanced over at Mandy whose eyes began to fill with tears. I wanted to be a stronger person. I didn’t want to care what Jessica thought of me or anyone else for that matter. But I did care. I cared so much.

 I removed the cap from the marker and took a step forward. Mandy shook her head back and forth, as tears of hatred and shame ran down her cheeks. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and that we were both the same, afraid of rejection and afraid of being alone. But I didn’t speak. I didn’t say a single word. She and I already knew that we were the same. We were both weak and willing to compromise to protect ourselves. Both afraid of isolation. Both afraid of loneliness. And both willing to pick up the pen.

We waltz in a world that fails to exist

Trapped in a prison of our own desires

She, locked to a perverse wish

And I, chained to her reign of fire

My flesh’s covered black by her listless eyes

She loves me and yet loathes me the same

I am the key to her demise

And she, my vice, true lover, and shame

I long to kiss her and touch her face

She acts as though she notices not

But in truth, she longs to consume

Each of my waking moments and thoughts

For we live in isolation with thoughts of love and hate

Solitary travelers down a spiraling hole

She, the siren in control of my fate

And I, the master and the death of her soul.

 ”Hello, Elya,” the group says back to me.

It has been two days since my last art project

….

and let’s face it, I’m out of control. It all began back in my childhood. Sure, it started off innocent. I dabbled a bit here and there in crocheting, embroidery, and sewing and made a few christmas decorations and dough sculptures. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, the gateway drug to my art addiction.

And now, it’s time to seek help…

Step One:

I admit that I am powerless over my art addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.

I don’t have enough hours in the day to feed my addiction. My drugs of choice:

Acrylic Paint

Cubism

Abstract

Watercolor

Pen and Ink

Surrealism

Decoupaged Frames

Decoupaged Collages

Masquerade Masks

Sketches

Charcoal

Self Portraits

Scrapbooking

Necklace Making

Photography

….

 I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.Below is my artistic depiction of heaven.

 I’ve made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself

 lust…

I envy those more talented than myself.

Photo Credit:http://ghostlypineapples.wordpress.com/my-design-proposal/my-design-style-some-of-my-favourite-work/initial-comic-book-research/inspirations-1-marvel-comics/inspirations-2-art-spiegelman/other-style-influences-tim-burton-and-salvador-dali/

….

Photo Credit:http://ghostlypineapples.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/salvador-dali.jpg

I have pride, both in the struggle to admit when I am wrong as well as the celebration of  something I am proud of.

Am I entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of my character?

What if these defects give me the ability to create in the first place? If my demons and flaws are a large source of my creativity, do I really want to cast them out?

I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.

I want to be content with the things I create instead of constantly disappointed in them. The painting below I’ve painted over three or four times. And still, I am disappointed in it and even more so, myself.

 I’ve made a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

Who have I harmed in my addiction to art? To creation? I’ve harmed my wallet, that’s for sure. I apologized to my mother, who’s wallet I’ve harmed even more than my own. She’s spent hundred of dollars on all my creative endeavors.

Imported masks from Italy.

Canvas after canvas after canvas…

….

….

I have sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

Doing art for me is a form of meditation and relaxation. It’s one of the only times I am able to completely clear my head of all thoughts. When my fingers hold a brush in hand, the rest of the world goes quiet.

All that I hear is silence and all that I see is the painting before me.

 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I have tried to carry this message to other artaholics, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

Now, as a girl transitioning into adulthood, I find that I still have the same questions. “How can I be a better person?” “Am I fulfilling my destiny?” “Is this the road I am supposed to be on?” I find myself constantly searching for these answers.

There are certain poems in my life that left a lasting impression. Whether they characterize a time in your life or bring some sort of solace, they can have a kind of healing effect on the soul.

….

Below is one of my mother’s favorite poems. She wrote it on a card to my brother when he graduated from high school.

“IF” by Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

….

Another poem I love is by Robert Frost. Whenever I read it, I imagine a post apocalyptic world like the one described in The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Photo Credit: http://quarterlyconversation.com/the-road-by-cormac-mccarthy-review

or The Passage by Justin Cronin.

Photo Credit: http://thewertzone.blogspot.com/2010/04/passage-by-justin-cronin.html

“Fire and Ice” by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

….

Another one of my favorites deals with the issue of protecting one’s souls despite the sorrows of man.

“Invictus” by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

“A Lover in the Night”

Who are you stranger

Sneaking into my bed

To whisper sweet nothings

Every night inside my head

Who are you stranger

Your breath rests on my lips

Just close enough to touch

Are you waiting for my kiss

Who are you stranger

Whose hands are cold as ice

Yet heart so full of warmth

Can it ever just suffice

Who are you stranger

Who remembers a past

When I cried by your side

Waiting for the pain to pass

Who are you stranger

I knew you once before

A long, long time ago

When I needed so much more

Who are you stranger

Did I cast you aside

Kick you out of my life

For my foolish selfish pride

Who are you stranger

How did you find your way

Back into my bruised heart

To wait for that special day

When I need not ask you, anymore

For I’ll know before you’ll tell

And I’ll wonder if you ever left

Because I’ll know your face so very well.

Because I love the world in which I create

But need to create to understand how to love

Because my characters are my best friends

But even more so my worst enemies

Because every story needs a beginning

But every beginning needs an end.

B…Camp in the Bolivian Salt Flats

C…Take a shot of Cobra blood

Photo Credit:http://blog.travelpod.com/travel-photo/3vagabonds/7/1232022780/snake-blood-and-bilexxx-ugh.jpg/tpod.html

D…Dance in the Rain

Photo Credit:http://sherrindak.blogspot.com/2010/12/dancing-in-rain.html

E…Escape to the Great Barrier Reef

Photo Credit:http://dennis-geography.blogspot.com/2011/01/great-barrier-reef.html

F…Fly

Photo Credit: image by Rosie Hardy via Flickr

G…Go Great White cage diving

H…Hike down the Grand Canyon

 I…Backpack through India

J…Jump out of a plane

Photo Credit: Jamie Bovshow

K…Master Korean Cuisine

L…Fall deeply in LOVE

….

M…Climb Machu Pichu

N…Navigate through the mountains in Nepal

O…Ride an Ostrich.

Photo Credit: Monique Gascon

P…Publish my novel.

 Q…Question everything

R…Ride a camel  near the pyramids of Egypt

Photo Credit:http://www.globeimages.net/img-egypt-camel-1007.htm

S…Safari in the Serengeti national park.

Photo Credit: Josiah Filler

….

….

Photo Credit: Josiah FillerT...Chase a Tornado Photo Credit: John Larew

Photo Credit: John Larew

Photo Credit:http://therifeobservatory.blogspot.com/2011/08/things-id-like-to-try.html

Photo Credit: Monique Gascon

Photo Credit: Jamie Bovshow

Photo Credit: JoDee Luna

 

But unlike an ex-boyfriend, you can’t call the world on the phone for a quick catch-up chat:

“Hey, World. How’s it going? Yeah, I’m seeing this new place…Los Angeles. It’s alright. Nothing like you.”

I tried to move on and you know, date other places. The first place I dated after The Break Up was New York.

It was beautiful and exciting, but a little too fast pace for my liking.

….

Everything moved quickly, and I’m a conservative girl and like to take things slow.

….

Let’s just say that after ending up in Harlem alone at 4 in the morning, we had a bad break-up. Words were said…Some things I’m not proud of. In the end, we parted ways.

I then found my way into the heart of Colorado.

It was a whirl-wind romance lasting only a week.

But we definitely had some good times together.

We hiked through the mountains and took photographs of nature.

We sat and basked in the sun.

But as fast as it came, it left… blown away in the wind.

I started dating San Diego in the winter following my break up with New York.

It was a beautiful and passionate affair.

We fell in love on the beach, our toes in the warm sand.

We kissed under the sun 

and walked through the park, holding hands.

It was a beautiful romance and I’ll always remember our time together. But sometimes, things just don’t work out. So, we said goodbye.

After some time back home, I decided to revisit a past love and give Los Angeles another try.

It has it’s ups and downs. For one, it’s close to home

and the people I love most in this world.

It’s also only forty-five minutes from Disneyland, which is an added bonus.

But I willl always  continue to search

and hope

 and wait

 for that  day when my heart will finally be reunited with my one true love…you, World.